One of the biggest problems in my marriage has been our sex life. Throughout my marriage, we went without sex several months at a time on a regular basis. My loyal readers will remember the counter on this page which automatically counted the number of days Peggy and I went without sex. Those who want to refresh their memories can refer to this Sexless Marriage post. At the time, I would rack my brain trying to figure out why my wife would refuse to have sex with me. I would ask her over and over again. Everytime she answered my question, her answer was a little bit different and her answers would never quite make sense. She would tell me that I am too angry and that's why she couldn't have sex with me. Duh! I was of course upset because she was refusing to have sex with me. She would sometimes tell me that the reason she couldn't have sex with me was because I didn't appreciate her enough. Hmmm, what does that exactly mean? She would tell me a whole bunch of other things as well but her answers always shifted, they were always somewhat fuzzy.
After I read the chapter on Demand Sensitivity and Demand Resistance in Too Perfect, finally everything began to make sense: Peggy's Obsessive-Compulsive personality resists everything which she perceives as a demand. A demand does not even have to be of the dictatorial "Do this, or else..." variety. Anytime something is requested or expected of her, an obsessive-compulsive person will immediately perceive this as a demand and will do whatever is in her power to make sure the other person doesn't get his way. In fact, even the things she wants for herself will be considered a demand, if God forbid the other person made the mistake of coming out and asking for it. The entire reason my wife has denied me sex all these years is because I made the mistake of asking for it. Not even demand it, simply ask for it.
There are many other examples of demand resistance in our interaction. Peggy has this strange habit of complaining about tasks that nobody has asked her to do in the first place. A demand that she has placed on herself basically. For example, she spends excessive amounts of time making very elaborate photo albums of our family. Even though no one in the family has ever asked her to make such elaborate photo albums, she herself has decided to take on this task, and she is the one who made this task into such a time consuming and elaborate one, yet she now feels opressed by this obligation. She complains endlessly about the amount of time and effort she spends on these photo albums. When I tell her that she always has the option to stuff all the photos in a proverbial shoebox (in other words, save them on a harddisk or a CD), she seems flabbergasted by my suggestion as if I have two heads. How dare do I possibly suggest that? The pictures always have to be organized in a neat photo album and that's that! This is her non-negotiable obligation. She resents it terribly but it has to be done. This is, my dear readers, an example of unbridled perfectionism that is wreaking havoc with our lives.
Her refusal to have sex with me had the same exact set of reasons behind it. Once I asked for it, or perhaps even before I asked for it, the fact that there was an expectation on my part for a regular sex life, in her mind this was now an obligation and she had to do whatever in her power to resist it. She needed to have that kind of control. Acquiescing to that obligation meant she was no longer in control.
Finally, about a year ago, a partial turnaround occured. She began to have sex with me about a couple of times a month. It is still somewhat too infrequent in my opinion but much more frequent than once in 6 months. Yet she didn't relinquish all control. She still dictates every aspect of our sex life such as the timing, the manner and the place of it. The more predictable it is, the better it is for her. Frankly, it is not very exciting for me like this but as in every other aspect of my relationship with a person with OCPD, I had to compromise and accept this because if I ever dare ask for a change, she will perceive it as a demand, and that will be the end of our sex life.
Examples of Peggy's demand resistance can be seen in many other aspects of our relationship. Peggy will sometimes do personal favors for me, such as picking up my dry cleaning, etc. Likewise I, of course, will do many personal favors for her as well. Actually I happen to do many more favors for her than the other way around. When she needs my help, all she has to do is ask. If I, on the other hand, ever ask for a favor, I feel the resistance immediately. In fact, I almost never ask for a favor because I don't like to be rejected. A year ago, I needed Peggy to drive me to my dentist because I was going to be sedated. She didn't say no outright but she gave me millions of excuses as to why this was such a difficult request for her. She told me that she is very busy and it has to fit her schedule, etc. etc. I sensed so much resistance that I gave up asking her and I decided to ask a friend to give me a ride and he immediately agreed to help.
Only after reading the Demand Sensitivity chapter in "Too Perfect", finally all of my suspicions about Peggy's demand resistance were confirmed. The normal give-and-take of a marriage is severely distrupted when one of the spouses is severely resistant to anything request for help. She interprets them as demands and control, regardless of how politely the request was made and how frequently the requesting spouse fulfills similar requests. My wife literally hands me lists of favors everyday. Yet, God forbid if I ask for a small favor, both her antennae go up, she does everything possible to resist, avoid or if necessary outright reject my requests. The only way she ever does any favors for me is if she can anticipate my needs and does a favor to me in her own volition. Otherwise, forget it folks! It ain't gonna happen!
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