This blog chronicled a 6-month segment of my marriage. There were many low points along the way. There were also some scant moments of hope. Those hopes were repeatedly dashed and I became increasingly jaded. When things began to improve last June, I had no good reason to be overly optimistic. My marriage had been an unfulfilling union since the year 2001. Every period of progress was always quickly followed by a major letdown.
I didn't expect what happened in June of 2009 to be any different. I still don't know if this is permanent. All I know is: Peggy and I are still doing pretty well and this has lasted much longer than any period of happiness she and I have experienced since our marriage began to decline. Many of my followers warned me against overoptimism and complacency. They are right! I would give the same advice to myself if I were in their shoes. People rarely change. Who knows? My followers may ultimately prove to be right. I decided to give my marriage another chance. All I have to lose is another few months. When a marriage has already been in trouble for 8 years, it seems like a small price to pay.
This is not to say that my marriage is now perfect. For example, my sex life is not as exciting as I would like. However, I do have a sex life now, which is something I couldn't say barely 2 months ago. It is above the threshold of a sexless marriage (which someone defined as "less than 10 times a year"). It is reasonably fulfilling for both Peggy and me. I am hoping that achieving this regularity will eventually set the stage for more variety and more freedom to experiment.
All the anger and screaming have ended. This is very important. It was becoming increasingly unpleasant to live with Peggy. Now, she is calmer and more pleasant. She seems to pay more attention to me, not just when she needs my help. The normal give-and-take of marriage was re-established. She is more patient with me and more respectful to me. I really have no major reason to complain.
The real test will come in September. Life will pick up speed again. Our kids' needs will increase. She will go back to work. When the amount of stress rises again, will she be able to keep her anxiety under control? My hope is that she is getting a taste of what a harmonious life can be like. I am hoping that this will remind her where our priorities should lie. Trying to do too much results in a complete mess. Perfection doesn't exist. Sometimes, accepting our limitations is what we should all strive for.
During this journey, my followers have been a tremendous source of support and encouragement. They helped me become stronger and more determined. I am reaping the benefits of this tough love approach now. I cannot thank my followers enough for sharing their experiences with me and giving me excellent advice. I hope you stick with me for a while longer until I make sure that a permanent progress has been made in my marriage. To my followers who are struggling with their own battles, I have been following all your blogs. I am continually amazed by the daily struggles of this amazing bunch of smart, strong and articulate men and women in this tiny corner of the blogosphere. I am sending all of you positive vibes. Thank you. Thank you.
It's My Story and I'll Cry If I Want To
3 hours ago
VERY happy to hear this, Stormy. I've thought about you a lot and hoped things were going well. Maybe you both had to hit personal rock bottoms in your marriage in order to climb back up and start over....if that's the case then everything that has happened, did so exactly when it needed to. Best of luck to you, my friend, and please stay in touch and let me know how things are going. Hugs, J.
ReplyDeleteGlad that you enjoy a bit of a good time. All th best to you. Hugs across the pond
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear the anger and the screaming has ended. That seemed to me to be one of the biggest problem was the lack of respect and communication. You are right that the next big test is in September when everyone goes back to school. I hope you and your marriage manage through that period. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI am glad things are getting better (or at least not as bad as you expected).
ReplyDeleteI'll suggest one source of information. Like all sources of information on the web it has its fair share of chaff mixed in with the useful nuggets of info. (I find him a little heavy handed with his religious beliefs at times.)
If you believe that a marriage is more about becoming a better human than it is about the two people always being happy, I encourage you to check out simplemarriage.net. Start here for a great overview - http://www.simplemarriage.net/new-here
stop the criticism - and make her feel as if she is the most important person in you life! see my post http://ilifeworld.blogspot.com/search/label/Marriage
ReplyDeleteWhen I say stop the criticism, I mean stop criticizing her! A man should never, ever, level any criticism whatsoever, however soft and cushioned, against his partner. This may sound extreme to some, and in fact when I married my wife, we made a pact that if anything ever bothered us, we would be sure to let each other know. Otherwise, how can you have a good relationship? Surely you need to tell you partner everything that bothers you?After being married for 21 years I can tell all you out there, that this is simply not a good policy, at least not when its leveled as a criticism.I always used to think that if I didn't tell her that she should be careful not to make mistake abc, and she should not do xyz like that, I was actually helping. What I noticed myself, and what I couldn't understand is that a woman is so sensitive to criticism and can't take it. Even to admit and say "yes darling, I made a mistake and I'll do it the way you say next time" is almost absolutely impossible for a woman (men don't take criticism any better).
ReplyDeleteA woman is extra sensitive to any criticism in a marriage/partnership. As Rav Shalom Arush explains, what a woman needs in a relationship from her husband, is to feel that she is the perfect wife. Any criticism you level at you wife/partner is saying "You are not the perfect wife for me" and nothing could be a bigger insult. If your partner is not perfect, then you are just as imperfect, because she is your spouse! You are insulting yourself.
Hilly: Thank you for your comments. I do agree with you that criticism is poison in relationships. Please keep in mind, however, that this is my blog where I vent, complain and seek answers. The negative tone of my posts doesn't necessarily translate into any direct critism of my wife at home. The other point I want to make is that my wife's anxiety is complicating our relationship. That's the crux of our issue. When she is even mildly stressed, she gets panicked, anxious and self-absorbed. I need to figure out a way to help her calm down and not let it get to me.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
Stormy
ReplyDeleteI accept what you are saying and you deserve credit for trying to help your wife and your relationship - perhaps it will help if she gets treatment and some medication. However, although it's hard to comment as an outsider, I can tell you a secret that most people don't know. The essence of a women is to receive and the essence of a man is to give, this comes from ancient wisdom - love comes from giving and the only way to create love is by giving of yourself without expecting ANYTHING in return. A man that is taking is really, in spiritual terms a woman and the problem today is that there are so many men who are really women in spirit. If you look at some of your posts you always begin with the word 'she' - in other words its about her and what you are not getting from your relationship. It may well be that this is the main source of her anxiety - she feels that you expect things from her and she is not living up to that ideal - what you need to do is make it clear that your unhappiness comes from your lack of good character and you are going to try your best to change - that you don't show her enough patience, that you don't help enough and that you will do your best to change for the good. Then you actually need to do that! When she is anxious, talk to her and have patience - give her a chance to vent her frustration without telling her how to solve her problems - just say that you understand it must be so frustrating - When she gets mildly stressed - tell her that you are here to support her and ask her what you can do to make her feel better - the minute you become the taker and you are the center of attention (when it gets to you) you are losing the battle. If she gets too frustrating, tell her that you have to go an do something and give her a bit of space. I promise you that things will improve. Also make sure to tell her that you love her - the outside will influence the inside - (even if you don't feel that way 100% - lets face it - it's true - you wouldn't still be with her otherwise) - compliment her on the way she looks when you can find something good - think good thoughts about her - you have no idea how bad thoughts are picked up telepathically - Here is a quote from the Zohar - a wife's soul is actually the second half of the husband's soul. As such, a wife mirrors a husband. When a husband fails to fulfill his obligations toward his wife, she mirrors his behavior almost instantaneously. When he fails to respect her like a husband should, she won't respect him. When he is impatient with her, she'll be angry and impatient with him. When he doesn't love her, she won't love him. That's on a lower level of spiritual cause-and-effect communication.Good luck - you seem like a great person and someone who doesn't give up easily - you are a hero, don't forget that!