My counseling appointment today was almost anti-climactic. The therapist found me in some distress but she really can't even see any way she can help me. She offered some medication against stress but she didn't push it. I liked her. Basically, there isn't anything wrong with me to treat. I asked her whether she can help me figure out how Peggy's mind works. She didn't seem too excited about that. She left it up to me to decide whether I see her again or not. She could have easily found some reason to have me keep coming to her. She didn't. She doesn't even think I have a substantial assertiveness problem. She thinks it is understandable that I got into this situation and stayed in it for so long. She recommended marriage therapy and/or individual therapy for Peggy.
I am planning to talk to Peggy tonight. I have to do it correctly . I want to be firm but gentle. I don't want to give her an ultimatum because it tends to shut her down. Yet I want to somehow get the message across that I am serious about a change. I am still planning my talk. If anyone who reads my blog has any suggestions, I welcome their input.
Some People Think Dandelions Are Pretty
1 day ago
If it were my husband confronting me, this is how I would want him to it:
ReplyDelete1) Wait until the end of the evening...after dinner is cleaned up, kids are taken care of, ect.
2) It would also be nice if beforehand, you are extra helpful. Help her with something that you wouldn't normally do without being asked. It will be helpful for her to see that you are willing to give a little, as well.
3) Do not use any accusatory remarks or come off as too defensive. Tell her straightforwardly that this comes from a place of love. That not only has this been hard for you to live with, but also it has been hard for you to see her be in so much pain.
4) Let her know that you are there for her, no matter what it takes. That you want to (I am assuming) see her get better whether or not you are together. Trust that once she starts getting better, the ripples will be felt in every aspect of your lives.
5) Most importantly, and I call this a compliment sandwhich-something I learned while talking to parents of preschoolers--say something nice, followed by something not so nice, and then finish with something nice again. It is important to stress the positive so that she doesn't feel attacked.
I know it is hard for men to be emotional, but the more you can use words like "I feel" the better she will react. Phrase your accusations in the form of questions...ex: Don't you agree that this is ruining our relationship? Can't you see how hard this is for me? What can I do to help you?
That's all I got. Sorry for the book again, but I hope it helps. Can't wait to read what happens. Good luck!
Well, I can't say that I'm surprised. When I was going through my divorce, I went to a therapist a few times and was told the same thing...nothing wrong with me, but he's a whackjob!
ReplyDeleteI am surprised that she dosn't seem to be too excited about helping you *deal* with your situation. I mean, you can't fix Peggy and her issues. But you either need to figure out a way to cope with them and stay in the marriage, or get your exit strategy together and get out.
Talk to Peggy. Explain what your counselor said. You don't need medication. You just need a wife who is willing to help herself.
FSL: Thank you. Thank you. What you wrote helps me tremendously. It is great that you write in such detail. That's what I need right now. I don't always know how my wife's mind works. She is not very communicative because she is afraid of even expressing her feelings. Somebody like you can give me the best advice because you are experiencing the same thoughts and feelings as my wife does.
ReplyDeleteI'll take every bit of your advice very seriously. I always use those I-statements (I feel, I think, etc.) anyway. The compliment sandwich sounds like a great idea. I'll use it. I'll also put statements in question form. That's also a good idea. Thanks. This is all very good.
Julie: I think the reason the therapist decided she cannot help me is because even in the last 3 weeks I have made tremendous strides in learning how to deal with this situation. Just you and Paula helping me realize the control issues was a major turning point for me. It made me realize how intolerable the situation has become and how much worse it is likely to get. I am not likely to let this problem fester much longer anymore. Thank you.
I too have gotten an appointment to go back to counseling. With all the legal things going on I thought it would help me deal with everything that is going on. I also took the step at asking my spouse to go to marriage counseling (in an email).
ReplyDeleteI will know my next step if he is not willing to go.
I am also surprised that she didn't help you with how to talk and ways to approach her in order to get some answers. There will be a point that what she says is something you may or may not have to work on. Please go back and see her.
Hi Stormy, just up on the other side of the pond and read you post and comments. I relate very much so to what "Freshly squezzed Lemons" has said, however I would make clear that whilst you are ready to help her you arent ready for games. It has to be clear that you mean business - with consequences. I keep my fingers crossed.
ReplyDeleteoh, and one more thing...there is this new show on A&E. It comes on Monday nights at 10 pm (at least where I am from, you might have to check your listings) Anyway, it is called "Obsessed." It chronicles the lives of people suffering with anxiety disorders and follows them through treatment. It really helped me see what treatment was going to be like and to see that most people CAN recover with a little hard work. It also helped my husband to see what a day in my world is like. I would recommend that the two of you watch it together.
ReplyDeleteChocolate: I am a little disappointed that the therapist couldn't do more. Perhaps she doesn't feel she can trust my diagnosis of Peggy. After all, who am I? I am not a professional. I don't want to be in this position either. If Peggy saw a professional, that would be the best.
ReplyDeletePaula: She can't play games with me anymore. I am seeing through them all. I think she is already aware of that.
FSL: I saw your reference to that show in your blog. My wife's anxiety is not panic, OCD or any other specific type. It is the diffused kind: GAD. She doesn't have any severe anxiety about anything in particular but she has a background noise of anxiety pretty much all the time and about everything. The people featured on that show seem to have very severe anxieties about very specific situations. I hope my wife doesn't get the idea that she is not as bad as those people, therefore she doesn't need treatment. That's my only concern.
To All: Peggy and I talked until the late hours of the night last night. We are both sleep-deprived. Hopefully I will catch up with my sleep tonight and write an update to my blog tomorrow.