Conversation

After my counseling appointment, I asked Peggy to set aside some time to have a discussion. We talked for about an hour and a half that evening. Obviously, one conversation cannot fix everything. We have to have a follow-up discussion.

Conversations like these are very hard. No matter how much I sweeten the pill, it is still hard to swallow. I asked her to see a therapist for her anxiety. By the end of the conversation, she agreed to do so but I am not quite happy with this outcome because I feel I have forced her into doing this. I had hoped that I could convince her to do this. She admitted to her anxiety in the past. So, what is the problem? I don't know. Perhaps she doesn't like to be identified as the cause of our problems. She kept arguing that I too have issues. She claimed that I am unhappy with my life in general and scapegoating her. She claimed that I don't have enough friends and outside interests and I am expecting her to meet all my social needs. She was very defensive. In the end, she made me feel as though she simply yielded to my demand. I don't know if this is good enough. Will she cooperate and engage with the therapy or will she simply show up and undermine the efforts of the therapist? Frankly, I don't know. I also feel like I am controlling her which is not a very good feeling. In fact, I am even considering to tell her that she is free to do whatever she wants. My suggestion was merely a suggestion. She doesn't have to agree with it. She should do it only if she agrees with it.

I hate the way this conversation went. Then again what did I expect? If you tell your partner what is wrong with her, you are running the risk of appearing to be controlling. I don't want to tell her what is wrong. All I am telling her is what I think is wrong. I may be wrong. I have no problem telling her that I do not want her to control me. Yet I have problem telling her that she is irrational or doesn't know what is good for her. All of that is presumptuous. Who am I to diagnose my wife? She, in turn, diagnosed me with being antisocial. How can we address the problems of our marriage by diagnosing each other. Neither of us are psychologists.

We touched on our sex life. I told her that our current sex life is completely unsatisfying to me both in terms of quality and quantity. She once again argued that many couples have this problem as if that makes it right. She also pointed out that we recently had sex and that since then she had surgery and was uncomfortable. I countered all these arguments but what is the point? She never accepted my arguments and I never accepted hers. Where does this lead us? Only a stalemate. She does not even acknowledge that we have an intimacy problem. She makes excuses. Since she is the one who is holding out, the discussion inevitably takes the tone of an accusation and defensiveness. We haven't even agreed on what the problem is. Unless we agree on the problem, how can we find a solution?

One thing I am happy about is that she is not acting hurt or insulted since our conversation. She used to do that after every conversation as a means of making me feel guilty about bringing up these hard subjects. She didn't do it this time. We are interacting normally. No one is sulking or withdrawing. This is a good sign. I think we need a follow-up discussion. I don't want her to do anything which she is not fully invested in.