The Anatomy of a Relationship Talk

Stormy: I want you to stop yelling at me and our kids.

Peggy: I am an emotional person. You can't ask me to stop expressing my emotions.

Stormy: Yelling is not an expression of emotions. It makes other people upset and afraid.

Peggy: You made me angry by not abiding by our agreement. That's why I got angry.

Stormy: My intention was not to make you angry. It was not a decision against you. I would have let you know but you were inaccessible. You have a right to be angry but you don't have a right to yell at me.

Peggy: (repeats) I have a right to express my feelings.

Stormy: I feel that your anxiety problem is negatively affecting our relationship and family. I think you should see a therapist.

Peggy: What makes you think you are so perfect? You have your own problems. You have no friends. You are unhappy with yourself. You expect me to make you happy and meet all your emotional needs.

Stormy: This conversation is not about me. You are getting defensive. I know I don't have many friends but that is not the cause of my distress. All of my unhappiness is due to our relationship. You can hardly claim that I am asking too much of your time and attention. We rarely spend any one-on-one time together. I can't remember the last time you and I saw a movie together. You are impatient with me when I want to talk to you. We go 5-6 months at a time without sex. I don't think we are anywhere near the point of me asking too much of your time and attention.

Peggy: (not responding to any of my comments but only repeating her points) You are not perfect. All you do is criticize me and make everything my fault.

Stormy: Do you think you have any anxiety problem?

Peggy: I will not answer that question.

Stormy: I think a therapist can help you feel much better.

Peggy: You said in the past that therapists never help. Why do you keep changing your mind?

Stormy: If you prefer, we can have marriage counseling instead.

Peggy: OK, I will see someone, but you have to do all the work and find a good therapist.

Something about the above exchange makes me very uncomfortable. She never agreed that she should not yell. She never agreed that she has an anxiety problem. She hasn't yelled at anyone since our conversation. She is going to see a therapist. Is it too much to ask her to tell me whether she understands and agrees with my points? My goal is not to rub it in her face that I prevailed in the discussion. In fact, it was never my intention to prevail. My goal was to make an argument, hear a relevant rebuttal, go back and forth and somehow reach a compromise. There was no discussion of that sort here. I made an argument. She stuck to her guns. Then she basically said: "OK you are stronger than me, you win.". There is a major letdown here. I never wanted to win by virtue of my power in the relationship. I wanted to win by virtue of the strength of my argument. Ultimately, I didn't even necessarily want to win. If she had a better argument, I was open to her argument. I would have simply dropped my argument and accept hers. But she never made a valid argument.

For example, she never addressed the fact that getting yelled at hurts my feelings. She only focused on her need to express her anger but not even considered how it makes other people feel. She also never addressed the impact of her anxiety on me. I feel her approach to discussions is very selfish. It is always about her. As a result we can't get anywhere. Then all of a sudden, she capitulates. It makes you feel like a rug is pulled off from under you. It is a very hollow victory. She is basically saying "I'll let you have it your way but you will never change my mind!" Perhaps I actually lost by winning.