Peggy did not tell me about the self-conflicts she feels about her sexuality until fairly recently. Certainly not during the first 10 years we knew each other. During the early years, she was very sexual. I was the one who was conflicted about premarital sex, yet she seemed entirely comfortable with it. It is almost unbelievable to me now that she can be conflicted about her sexuality. Perhaps after becoming a mother, a lot of repressed thoughts have come to the surface. Or perhaps there is no problem but she is engaged in the most devious form of mindf*ck ever invented.Let us revisit what she said about my lack of passion. It is quite puzzling to hear this because on the one hand, she talks about trust issues (being a victim of near date rape) and sexual repression. On the other hand, she thinks I am not passionate enough. I think passion is a code word for domination, agree? Perhaps she yearns to be dominated in bed. She has never given me any signals that's what she wants. In fact, she has given me every possible signal that I have to be very predictable in bed and respect all her boundaries.
Here are two interesting articles: The Truth About (Submission) Fantasies and Why Do Women Have Erotic Rape Fantasies?. We are not talking about real rape here, of course. A little domination perhaps. Maybe a small amount of pain. All in the context of a trusting relationship. I think it is better to use the term "submission fantasy". According to this article, nearly half of all women have these submission fantasies. Sexually repressed women have these fantasies even more often. Sometimes it is the only fantasy they ever have. Peggy has told me that she has almost no fantasies. Perhaps this is a fantasy she would never admit to me. What a submission fantasy does to a sexually repressed woman is, it allows her to avoid guilt for being too sexual.
I hope I am not going too far over the edge here. Combining her admission that she is sexually repressed with her admission that I am not passionate enough, this theory fits the situation extremely well. Heaven knows none of my female followers are sexually repressed but as women I think they are in a much better position to evaluate this theory. What do you think? I can be "passionate" if she wants me to but I don't want to make things worse by pushing her boundaries too far too fast.
I am not walking in your shoes of being sexually deprived. However Peggy seems to be not the most emotional healthy woman. Pushing her boundaries too far? Certainly she is responsible for her state, however you are responsible for not making it worse. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you not having sex bowever engaging in healing yourself first makes sense to me. But then I walked the walk and I ma not repressed. And Passion has NOTHING to do with domination, Stormy, your fantasies are running away with you.
ReplyDeletePaula: Slap me, will you? You're right. What kind of sex she wants is not the issue here. Mature adults sit down and tell their partners what they want. They don't expect anyone to read their minds. I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure her out. Learning to stop doing that should probably be my first priority. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteStormy I think there is some plausibility to your thought process. If she is so hell bent on being so unatainable maybe she is wanting you to just come grab her.
ReplyDeleteI know that just doing that has some serious consequences, I suggest not just going and doing it. Maybe there is an opportunity to talk again and maybe just ask about certain things as this would still be in the realm of communicated what is and is not acceptable.
Don't count anything out until you have found out differently. I think that helps keep you open to everything she maybe come at you with.
Chocolate: Thank you for your feedback on this. You're right. I need to discuss this with her further before I try it. I am not counting anything out. On the one hand, she is changing her clothes in the bathroom to avoid me seeing her naked. On the other hand, she wants me to rip her clothes off and have my way with her. It is confusing to me to say the least. I hope that as we continue to discuss these matters, we will eventually reach a certain level of clarity.
ReplyDeleteI agree, passionate does not equal domination. More likely she wants to feel like you are her big strong man, here to protect her, comfort her and love her. But I can't say for sure, as I am not her.
ReplyDeleteI also think women throw that word, passionate, around not really knowing what they want either. http://www.passionate.com/
Missy: I know passionate doesn't equal domination. I think I am grasping at straws. What is wrong with me that she finds so undesirable to have sex with? I see much uglier, much poorer, much less supportive and much less kind men out there who receive far more kindness from their wives. I am taking my entire day off from work today just to take her to her doctor's appointment. It is not a serious issue but she is scared and needs my support. She needs me but she doesn't desire me.
ReplyDeletePerhaps she has this illusion of a prince on a white horse who will sweep her off her feet and give her a castle and servants. Maybe that is what she calls passion. The type you see in paperback romance novels. Real life is not so one-sided. You just don't withhold sex from your husband for 5 months and hope that he will remain appreciative.
Stormy,
ReplyDeleteI had similar conversations with my wife, in which would complain that I was not assertive enough. She extended this complaint to the bedroom, complaining that I was to meek in the boudoir. However, at the same time she would complain every time I did something wrong (put too much weight on her, rubbed the same spot on her arm for too long, etc.) She was not encouraging me to be more assertive.
After some time, I think we determined what she really meant was that it drove her bonkers when I would "wait around for sex." My wife was telling me to keep busy while we aren't having sex. We have had that conversation before about developing hobbies to keep occupied in the months between sexual encounters. In our case, 'assertive' was code word for 'keeping busy.'
I am not going to conclude that this is what Peg is asking for, but I will guess that it probably isn't domination in the bedroom. My guess is that she doesn't know what she's asking for.
Mr. B: Do you really do nothing but just wait around for sex? You have a job. You have kids. You do work around the house. I hardly think that you just wait around for sex. I think even when your wife doesn't have sex with you, she is feeling the weight of your expectation for sex. Getting a hobby will make you look busier but will it really going to lessen your expectation? I think she is just trying to offload her burden a little bit, albeit unsuccessfully.
ReplyDeleteAre you really sure "assertive" is a code word for"don't wait around for sex"? Never in my wildest imagination could' I guess that. Every couple has their own unique vocabulary. So, you probably know what she means by assertive. I don't think that's what my wife means though.
Your last guess is probably the best one: She doesn't know what she is asking for.
Thank you very much for your feedback.