How did I get myself into this?

We all know about the stereotypical henpecked husband and the overbearing wife. When I think about a controlling wife, that's what I imagine. Sometimes you meet a couple, there is no doubt who is in charge. I meet couples where the wife ridicules or disrespects her husband openly in front of other people. That's the picture I have in my head of a controlling wife. Peggy is not quite like that. That's why I didn't suspect being controlled. Another reason I never suspected was because Peggy does not try to control our finances, she doesn't insist on getting her way in choosing which restaurant we go to or where we vacation. I planned the last two family vacations we took entirely by myself because she said she was too busy to be involved.

Control issues have sneaked into our marriage quite subtly. They have developed and have become established gradually over a period of time. The areas Peggy inserts her control are very specific. She doesn't try to control every aspect of my life. Her need for control arises from her anxiety. She has many fears. The only way she can calm her fears is to control the situation. Controlling the situation means controlling people. I have always known about her anxiety. She has acknowledged it yet she has never addressed it. I think even seeing a therapist is too anxiety provoking for her. I have always tried to calm her down and help her reduce her anxiety. I thought I was helping her as a good husband. I never saw myself as victimized. I thought between the two of us I was the one who was mentally healthy and it was my job to take care of her. Initially her anxieties did not seem to affect me personally. I always took notice of her irrational thinking but I simply ignored it.

Even the fact that she always seemed to want everything done right then and there, did not seem me as controlling behavior. I saw it as irrational behavior, yes. But not as controlling behavior. I just laughed it off and did what she asked me to do because I thought it helped her feel better when I did what she asked me to do.

I think her controlling behavior began to bother me only when it became clear to me that she was completely unconcerned about my well being. She has this distorted thinking such that she is always weak and disadvantaged. She considers me as a strong and self-sufficient person. Therefore, I should never need anything from her. Yet as a loving husband I should always help her since she always needs help. Basically her controlling behavior comes from an assumption of weakness and helplessness. She doesn't act like a domineering bossy wife. Instead, she acts like a helpless wife, one whose husband is obligated to complement all her weaknesses. This assumption eventually leads to complete selfishness. How dare I want anything from her? She is the one who always needs help.

When it comes to sex, however, clearly I am the one who needs it more. How does she reconcile her lack of willingness in that area? By belittling the importance of sex. By making sex to be a much bigger favor. By making herself incapable of providing sex. By making me look too insensitive to deserve sex. Basically every excuse in the book.

I am sad that my wife has become a totally self-absorbed person who has virtually no concern for my well being. She wasn't always this way. Her distorted thinking, her always-victim mentality has made her think of herself as more important than anything and anyone. I am not sure she can ever change her thinking. I don't hold grudges. Even though she has pretty much made my life a living hell in the last several years, if she realizes her mistake and expresses remorse, I can probably forgive her. What I don't know is whether I can ever love her again. What she has done to me is not what a loving person can do. Even though she was motivated by her fears, I am very disappointed that she stopped having my best interests at heart. Probably a long time ago.